Dumpling for iOS

Q: Yo, Panabee! Fan or foe of skinny jeans?A: Foe. Big time. Like Superman vs. Lex Luthor. Mortal enemies.We have two reasons for loathing skinny jeans: (1) we can't put them on; and (2) we can't take them off. Our thick thighs and big buttocks get in the way. After 10 minutes of struggling and straining, we might have them down to our thighs, then our knees 10 minutes later and finally off after 30 minutes, at which point, we are so frustrated that we have probably yanked off our socks and underwear, too. The only redeeming quality is that we burn 500 calories in the process.Skinny jeans are a global conspiracy to make men empathetic. We men don't identify enough with the sacrifices women endure to look attractive. The diets, the suffocating bras, the painful heels. We take it for granted, so women everywhere hopped onto Google Plus (because no one uses it) and hatched a diabolical plan to share the pain. To make us understand. Man bras are next. They will promise fuller and more shapely pectoral muscles but feel as comfortable as a boa constrictor wrapped around the chest. Look for mras starting in the winter of 2014.========Q: Do you wear boxers or briefs?A: Boxers. We wear only boxers. Started with tighty whities in elementary school (Asian parents, hello) then flirted with boxer briefs in the 10th grade before settling down with boxers. If you must know, we like our boxers plaid. Not striped. If you just imagined scrawny engineers in plaid boxers, we apologize in advance for the weeks of nightmares and the trail of vomit trickling down your shirt.=========Q: Why can't Asian dudes grow facial hair?A: We're delighted to debunk another myth. Asian dudes, in fact, can grow facial hair. All you need to do is look carefully. Very carefully. Sometimes with a magnifying glass. It's almost like a game of "Where's Waldo," only instead of searching for a scrawny guy in red, you're searching for a scrawny hair in black. The average Asian male grows about eight facial hairs, maybe 12 if there is some Italian blood in the family (20 with Indian blood).Which is why most companies around the world are giddy about the rise of the Chinese middle class and monetizing 300M new consumers. Not Gilette and Norelco. They're screwed, and they know it. Here are the key risk factors their CEOs outlined on a recent conference call: (1) sustained increases in pension costs may harm profitability; (2) legal compliance risks may limit product innovation; and (3) we are royally f***** if Chinese males don't start growing more facial hair.=========Q: OMG, you're so racist. Let me pray for your salvation. What's wrong with you?A: By the Chris-Rock/black-comedian principle, we're allowed to mock Chinese people, and sometimes Mongolians, without upsetting anyone since we're Chinese ourselves. If you're still upset, well, go &!@% off. Or as the Chinese say, go do some calculus. Please don't take us seriously.==========Q: Since you're Chinese, can you teach me kung fu or get your cousin Jackie Chan to sign an autograph?A: Of course! But please don't stereotype us and cousin Jackie. Take a moment. Learn about the people of China.We are much more than kung fu. Ping-pong may be the national sport, but calculus is the national pastime. Chinese noses can support 100x their weight without fracturing. Perfect for wearing thick, ugly glasses or balancing textbooks when a backpack gets full. Fried rice only accounts for 90% of our meals, the other 10% is chow mein. We are reserved and quiet mostly because we are reserved and quiet but also because it is the secret to amazing complexion. No laughing, no wrinkles. We laugh on the inside, silently. Especially after a good joke on the SATs or Stanford. And the most special day of the year in China is neither Christmas nor New Year's, but August 3. Also known as the birthday of the TI-82 calculator.